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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  March 5, 2014 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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l >> tonight can we trust our food labels? i'm beginning to think my wild razz el berry gusher gum isn't really free rang. and then a cable rebrand, history channel will now be known as the feral dirtman network. and my guest tonight is beau willimon, creator of the netflix hit "house of cards" you can see the entire interview in 6 minutes and 20 seconds. vladimir putin has been
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nominated for a nobel peace prize. nice try, norway. he's still going to invade. (laughter) this is the colbert report. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. great to have you with us. thank you so much. (cheers and applause)
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there are some nights, folks, back home you may not know this sitting at home but there are some nights when the love is so ripe in this room-- (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: this room is so turgid, that i really should be wearing protection. folks, 2016 election is just around the corner. i cannot wait for president obamacare to pack up his quinoa garden and move back to indo-kenya. don't celebrate too soon, folks, because barreling down on 2016 like a cement truck with its brakes cut is hillary clinton. (cheers and applause) just last week i broke the story that fox news broke the story that hillary suffered from a rare, dibill tating condition doctors call aging. (laughter)
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unlike republican hopeful bobby jindal who made a wish on a monkey paw to be 12 forever. (laughter) well now, papa bear bill o reilly has found found yet another reason she should be taken out of the not yet running. >> there's got to be some downside to having a woman president, right? something. something that may not fit with that office. correct? >> i'm going to say no, bill. >> men are men, women are women, there's a difference, okay. there's a difference between the genders. there's got to be a downside for a woman. >> stephen: yeah, there's got to be a downside to a woman president. i mean how is she going to press the nuclear launch button. everything in the oval office is penis activated? (laughter) been that way since the kennedy administration. plus, plus, and i don't want to get too technical or scientific but women sit down to pee. and if there's a terror attack a man could just zip
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and go while she is wasting hours sending letters in that weird little mailbox in there. (laughter) i want to be clear, i want to be clear, this is absolutely nothing against women. guys like me and bill would vote for anyone who is best for america. but the rest of the world is not so open minded. >> look, they in iran they think women are subspecies. a mullah would say we're to the going to deal with you. we don't like you, we don't think you as add good as men, the muslim world does not deal with equality. right away there a deficit. >> stephen: that's right, our president request to the be something that other countries disapprove of. (laughter) we are the leader of the free world. so we need to vote for whoever iran wants. (laughter) plus i mean think about this, think about this one, for a second. a female president invites a greg-- aggression. >> let me throw this at you because i know this is going
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to happen. so say hillary clinton is the only woman in play right now, is elected. well you know the chinese are going to test her right a wap. they're going to move more ships into certain areas and they're going to binge, binge, binge, let's see. they did the same thing with barack obama. they tested. but now you're going to have-- putin is going to do it, chinese will do it, certainly north korea will do it. they'll snatch some american, they'll kidnap them, they'll do all of that just to see how it goes. >> stephen: yeah, i mean we got obama in there now and the china east-- chinese testing him, binge, binge, binge, binge, binge. i didn't know what that means in mandarin but you get a woman in there you get a women without in there, binge, bong, boom, the whole world goes after her, like bill says join ease, then north korea steals our families bipitiy boppity boo. chim chim cherry. karzai slips the trip in afghanistan, in-- invades. ramma lamma ding dong.
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america's over thanu thanu thanu. (cheers and applause) that happens, i know that's happened. mark my words, binge binge binge, right, bill. >> it's a fact, binge, binge, binge, binge, binge, binge, binge. binge binge binge. binge ding ding derning, binge binge binge. >> binge binge binge. >> i think bill's burrito's done. folks, if you read the bible, if you read the bible then you know that our lord said judge not les ye be judged. i said speak english, jesus this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) binge pink pink pink pink pink. -- nation, i loves me some hydraulic fracking. not only is it going to make that energy independent, i
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know makes mark rough a lo angry-- ruffalo angry and i'm trying to unleash the hulk. some have turned on big oil companies because fracking has been known to contaminate water supplies and cause tiny earthquakes. but these companies are good guys. take chevron. recently after causing a fatal gas explosion in bobtown, pennsylvania, they did the right thing. >> chevron is trying to make amend force the deadly gas ball fire that took nearly a week to put out. the company went door-to-door in the area near the well this we can handing out coupons. >> the coupon is for a large pizza and a two litre drink from the local pizza shop. >> stephen: free pizza. (laughter) of course that's for a gas well fire. it's the chemicals in your drinking water cause neurological damage, you get crazy bread. (laughter) so tonight i'm giving a tip of the hat to chevron. it's the least they could do. literally, i think it is the least they could possibly do.
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(cheers and applause) now it turns out, turns out the coupons are for bobtown pizza special combo. we at the colbert report called bobtown pizza this is true. a special combo is a $12 value which is also the same value of your land once chevron is done with it. (laughter) and bonus, if there's left over pizza the next morning, just reheat it in your sink. (laughter) folks, i with take that deal because i have said it before, i love eating. it's one of the top three things i do with food. (laughter) but nation i'm as steemd as the vegetables i will never eat by the latest obama nanny state. >> a new change announced this morning to the nutrition labels you see in grocery stores. the food and drug administration is proposing changes to the labels for the first time in over two decades. >> the fda will propose
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larger bolder type for calories and for the first time consumer was know whether their foods had added sugar. >> calories will be really prominent. at a glance you can see the calories big and bold. >> stephen: nice try but those labels are not big and bold enough for americans to read through their eye fat. (laughter) so i'm giving a wag of my finger to the fda for cramming too much knowledge down my brain throat. i say food labels only need to tell me three things. sweet or spicy. soft or crunchy and which hole do i stick it in? (laughter) okay? and folks t just gets worse. >> food labels will have to spell out more clearly how serving sizes are measured. taking into account how we really eat food like potato chips and candy bars. serving soizs for soda, for instance l go from 8 ounces to 12 ounces. >> they may say this is typically two serves but
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here is also the package data. >> a bag of potato chips, for example, if it's likely you're going eat the wol bag in a single sitting they will label as such. >> of course i'm going to eat the wol bag in a single sitting. why do you think i sat down? ladies and gentlemen dch did-- (cheers and applause) >> you can't suddenly change serving sizes. the only thing keeping me from polishing off an entire pint of americone dream is knowing that it's actually four serves. of course i do eat the whole thing but at least i'm getting three full serves of shame. (laughter) but if the same pint is 2 servings, that shame will kick in much later and i will have to eat 2 pints. so you might as well just label everything [bleep] it. we'll be right back. [ coughing ]
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>> welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. nation, you know, i don't think there's any other way to say it and there is absolutely no sugarcoating it at this point. cable news rates are rapidly declining. i saw that on cnn which is why nobody heard about it. and no one has been more affected than hln formally hone as headline news.
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67 like how kfc was normally known as -- >> recently they announced a surefire way to bring in the youth. because hln will reformat and rebrand in 2014 to become the first tv network for the social media generation millennials, and the millennial minded. yes, now hln will kate tore young people instead of just sending nancy grace after missing white ones. in fact, she can internet her show right away by changing the name to error 404, blond girl not found. folks, this social media rebrand for millennials is the brainchild of hln general manager albie hecht. whoa! whoa, who let in #ashton kutcher to run a network? i carly he's so raven. now albie here or as his millennial buds call him,@senior discount, has to rebranded
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hln as the first tv home to embrace the social media generation and champion its interests. yes. millennials favorite place to get the internet is always tv. i am pumped for hln new shows like key word, a game show that asks contestants to identify the search term with key word clues. for instance. reality star and sex tape are key words for the answer kim kardashian. just like the search term desperate and tailspin are key words for hln. then-- then there is the show one period click period away which reveals the untold story behind on-line classifieds. like that misconnection from the anonymous guy who saw the young woman reading great expectations in the uptown train. untold story, he wanted to have sex with her. (laughter) but i think the most millennial of all is hln's
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new app #what's your fomo to collect a list of your fomo, fear of missing out. my number one fomo fear of missing out anything else while i'm wasting pie life on what's your fomo. an hln new line-up is inspired by the best in the-- as albie hecht told "the hollywood reporter", i watch stephen colbert. tonally that's an arena we want to move into as an editorial voice. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by wow. stephen colbert, i love his tonal arena. i had no idea these shows were my fault. from now on, tcr is going to be the most millennializedgen-y be ified multiscreen chap
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senate twito queen screen ever invited by an idaho potato farmer. we'll be right back. ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ i'm ten feet tall ♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ i'm ten feet tall ♪
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>> welcome back, my guest tonight created house of cards. back stabs power hungry politicians, where do i send my campaign contribution. please welcome beau willimon. hey, beau, thanks for coming on. good to sow you. for the people who don't know you are the creator show runner and wroir for house of cards. >> last year was nominated for 9 emmies, first on-line show to ever win a major category. i got a bone to pick with you. >> all right. >> stephen: i'm two minds about you. >> okay. what's the first one. >> stephen: the first one is i have done 75 better know a districts and i've met these people, these congressman and you have got them dead to rights. this he are cunning. they are supermotivated, sexy people and you
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can't-- and you can't get anything by them. all right? the secretary thing is that you are showing the chinese what are democracies like in a bad light. you know the chinese leadership love-- say that is what you get with democracy. >> the remarkable thing is that the show is not at all sensored in china, it is one of the most successful american shows in i think chinese television history. and it is a huge hit there and i think part of the reason is exactly as are you saying, it proves just we are as corrupt as anyone else. >> stephen: do you-- how-- i think it's perfectly accurate. i have met members of congress and they are just like kevin spacey. (laughter) how accurate are you trying to be? >> kevin-- ef in's character does some things that are a little ethically dubious. there might it be leaving
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someone in a garage while the car is running. there might be something involving a subway train. and i don't-- . >> stephen: this he is son he becomes vice president. >> that's right. >> stephen: how many people has joe biden kblujoned to death? do you think is a depiction of a washington people recognize? >> look, one thing they do recognize is that in our show as in the real world, we have a washington that is paralyzed by political gridlock. what we have, what we're able to do is see something that can cut through that gridlock like a knife through butter and that is one of the delicious aspects of the show. someone who actually gets things done. >> stephen: okay that is the fantasy part of the show. >> that's right. >> stephen: what i am mostly seeing-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: of course the other fantasy part of the show is that he is a white democrat from my home state of north carolina. >> john spratt. >> stephen: eats no fat. >> he is a southern democrat who represented the fifth
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district. >> stephen: was, the word iss with. >> that's true, was, for over 20 years. and one of the reasons we made frank a southern democrat is because it's not some of about ideology for southern democrat, it's about personal relationships. >> stephen: so anyway, he and his wife robin wright there, they're both, you know, just cold-blooded in their pursuit of power. who are they based on in the democratic party? are they-- are they based on bill and hillary or are they based on hillary and bill? >> stephen: there's got to be-- i worked for hillary in 2000 for her first senate campaign and worked, the senator from new york chuck schum never 1998. and look, anyone who gets elected to senate in new york knows what rough-and-tumble politics is and certainly frank and claire are masters at that game. >> stephen: one of the unique things about this show is that occasionally
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underwood looks right into the camera and says what is on his mind. why does he do that? that's something we stole from the bbc version, they stole it from a guy named shakespeare, i don't know if you heard of him, and what that allows to you do is have direct communication with the audience t makes them complicity in his nefarious act, they become accomplices to his crimes and you find yourself rooting for this guy despite yourself that is what dramatic tension is interesting to us. >> stephen: at this point i knew i had him. why do you think people in washington love it so much, because it's all they talk about right now i think they're trying to see themselves in it i think they want to think that they're sexy and dangerous.
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>> look, the fact that president obama himself tweeted about the show previous to the second season release saying the spoilers -- >> huge deal. and when we were there for the white house. >> when we -- >> yeah, i mean on the one hand i am thinking you know, 13 hours is a big chunk of your day. >> i know, exactly. >> we got the russians rolling into crimea and he's not responding because he's binge watching your show right now. >> yeah. >> thanks a lot. >> i think, i think that you know the reason washington has responded so well, we take great effort to be as authentic as possible. we have a dark exaggerated view of dc. not everyone out there is a cold blooded killer. >> stephen: do you think there are things that politicians can learn from watching your show, can obama learn anything from watching your show other than watch out for your vice
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president. >> well, the way that frank operates is he believes the ideology is quicksand it doesn't allow you any flexibilities. compromise has become a naughty word in washington. but compromise is what good governance is all about. an when are you stuck in your own ideology, are you not willing to move towards the middle, then nothing can be accomplished. frank will do anything he need its to in order to get something done in those third episode of season two we have a potential government freeze or shutdown. and you know, the republicans won't budge, the democrats won't budge. he goes let's give the republicans everything they want. so he says let's raise the age of retirement. and the democrats are in a flummox about this but he says if we are able to give what they want we will give what we want. that's the-- [bleep].
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>> stephen: beau, thank you so much for joining me, beau welcome to toyota's #1 for everyone sales event. matt kenseth, what are you doing here? well, i do know a little about toyotas being #1. [ wife ] we're here to buy a camry. good timing. great choice. it took me to victory lane seven times last year. can i get you to sign something? sure. oh. can you write "you 'da man?" [ male announcer ] during toyota's #1 for everyone sales event, get 0% apr financing for 60 months on a 2014 camry. offer ends march 31st. for more great deals, visit toyota.com.
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yeah!! yeah!! [ male announcer ] toyota. let's go places.
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>> that's it for the report, everybody, good nig captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> it's 11:59 and 59 seconds this happened on youtube today. it's not march madness yet, but a couple of people at the at the kentucky/alabama basketball game were showing early signs of dan fever. >> these two guys got the mem, obviously obviously, and the team did, somewhat

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